For the second year in a row, I'm actually going to have a fun New Year's Eve. Growing up, it was never something my family celebrated. My old fart parents would stay home most years, and we'd ring in the new year (if we stayed up that long) with whatever reruns were usually on that night of the week. Last year, my bleak end-of-year history was changed when a friend from high school had a house party. I played Apples to Apples, drank mimosas with my ex-girlfriend when the ball dropped, and of course got a kiss.

This year, aforementioned ex is throwing a New Year's/birthday party, a classy cocktail soiree with a black and white theme. This was an opportunity for me to descend upon my local discount department stores (let's call them "Darget" and "Poss") for an epic afternoon of wading through miles of polyester and frowning at myself in badly angled dressing room mirrors. I did snag this kicky little number from the racks of "Poss."

I pretty much love everything about this dress - the black-on-white paisley print, the smart ribbon at the waist, the bust padding that will save me from having to wear a strapless bra. And I'd like to think I'm enough of a badass to pull it off with red patent wedges, but we'll see.

But as much as I'm satisfied with my purchase, I've got to confess that I HATE SHOPPING. To anyone who knows me in real life, this is not a shock, and a few have even seen me in the midst of a shopping-induced panic attack. Alas, in order to remain a self-sufficient human being, I must submit to the sale rack's call. Of course, I have strategies for getting through my apparel nightmares, saving a few bucks, and still coming away with something cute. So now I present:

HANA'S GUIDE TO STRESS FREE SURVIVING DISCOUNT SHOPPING

Disclaimer: You should not attempt to utilize this guide if you:

• Pay any attention to the name on that silly label thing in your clothes.
• Expect retail employees to actually care about your business and help you shop.
• Carry a purse with your dog in it while shopping.
• Have a low tolerance for fluorescent lighting.
• Insist on bringing your entourage of gays on all shopping excursions.

If you meet any of these conditions, please navigate away from this page immediately and make a trip to South Coast Plaza as soon as possible. Thank you.

Alrighty then. Now, read through the following steps and you'll soon be clothing yourself in the finest cotton-poly blends you can dream of.

1. Shopping at discount department stores like Ross, Marshall's, and the clearance racks at Target requires a high tolerance for sifting through crap. There's no getting around the fact that you will have to search through a hundred garments before you find something to try on that won't make you vomit all over yourself. Accept it. Take a deep breath. Now get ready to shop.
2. If you just want to browse for fun or window shop with friends, go elsewhere. But if you are looking for specific items, with a little work you can find them for cheap. For my latest mission, I needed a black and white cocktail dress (preferably white on black), knee length, and shoes to match for under $50. You should have in mind the garment(s) you want, a style or two, a couple sizes, and a color.
3. When you enter the store, look up. There will be large hanging signs designating what is in each section, and smaller signs on the racks. Find your section and go there. Get distracted and you will not make it out before closing.
4. Once you find the racks you need, you will notice some kind of organization - by size, style, brand, or color. Ignore it. The customers are too spaced out and the employees too apathetic to care whether garments make it onto the proper rack. Just because you need size 0 jeans doesn't mean you will find them under the label marked "size 0." They'll probably be on a "Medium" hanger in the size 18-20 section.
5. Don't skip any items, but don't spend too long, either. Pinpoint a color or size you need and scan the racks with your eyes for it. If you find something meeting that criteria, grab it.
6. Be flexible. I originally wanted a white empire waist tube dress and a black patent belt. Instead I got a spaghetti strap print dress with a sewn on sash. But since it was a) black and/or white and b) in my size I grabbed it, and ended up with something I liked.
7. Once you find the items you like, try them on. Don't just look for fit. If something doesn't fit perfectly, think of how you might improve it (shortening a hem, adding a belt or sash). Also watch out for flaws. Are there threads hanging off the garment? Are there tears, missing buttons? Mysterious stains? All these things should be avoided (and don't even try to figure out what that stain is).
8. When possible, buy alternative items. Cramming my hot, shopping-fatigued self into a 2x2 cell and attempting to evaluate my appearance in a crooked mirror a foot from my face is not an ideal setting for finding the perfect outfit. If money/credit limits allow it, buy 2 or 3 outfits, try them on again at home, and return the stinkers.
9. Once you are ready to purchase, check to see if all your items have a price tag. Chances are that 50 percent of them will not, and you don't want to be the bitch who holds up the line while the cashier price checks 5 of your 8 pencil skirts. Before hitting the register, find tagless items in other size so you can verify the price when you check out.
10. Buy. And then treat yourself to a five dollar latte. You've earned it.