Tommorow at 9:10 am I am going to do something that I havent done in the three years since Ive been in England : get on a plane for home in The Bahamas. Now I know you must be thinking  wow, whoa, how could a person spend such a long time away from a place they love? But if you struggle with a fear of flying and dying like I do then the question becomes self explanatory. I cannot begin to tell you the amount of people over the course of my three years here who have all given me their five cents worth on the joy of flying and how safe airports and airplanes are these days. But anyone with an irrational fear will tell you just how useless such talks and advise are....we nod our heads appropiately, smile accordingly and wander off in my minds to some safer place.

Now I know, based on all that i have just said, why Im contemplating getting on a plane again or how for heavens sake did i ever make it to England in the first place. I flew of course, clutching my chest with my bible in my hands picturing the love on my partner's face when i made it through on the other end. But i have watched countless plane crash movies since then and drastic news stories that make me never want to leave my house again and I said to myself either I can spend the rest of my life in fear or I can step out with a leap of faith and my trust in God. Id like to go to heaven of course, but preferably after Id had my kids, watch them grow up, move to the country and lose all my teeth ehehe. Especially not before Ive seen my first royalty check.

Ive taken my antianxiety meds, ive had all my friends over praying for me and wishing me luck, ive even kept the tv on the God channel and change some of my money over in american travellers' cheques. But I havent packed my bags yet or print out my eticket that i bought via BA online. I did however ring BA three times in two days to find out what they did for nervous flyers and how much money they reckon i could get back if i cancel my ticket in time. ONe button and all my troubles and worries would be instantly over...never minding that i will lose uo to 800 pounds in fees!

Do you know how I feel? I feel like someone who's on death row and they have been told that they will walk to the gas chambers by the end of the week...so everything i do and taste is like  im dead already and theres no point or use to anything. My chest aches, my head hurts, my lungs feel like it's on fire, the roof of my mouth is dry, ive drunk a bottle of champagne with my med to no effect..nothing is getting through to me...its like...thinking youre going off a cliff and people are telling you ooo dont worry about it...have some alcohol or meds to numb your pain on the way done....no one understands what im going through...except for one of my good friends who have given up flying herself...

of course id like to see my family and friends again in the Bahamas...swim in the sea for a change...lay on a beach...have home made food..but i cant get pass those 8 hours that idbe stuck in the air on a plane...why am i putting myself through this when i can just press a button and make everything go away...i hate these condescending people most of all who make soothing noises and say oo it will be alright...flying is safer than driving....well who gives a monkey butt what is safer than what...i prefer to be on the ground thank you..

will i go through with it...honestly...at this moment...i dont know...i would love to...i would love to hear that announcement...welcome to nassau international airport...id kiss the ground hundred times over and chant to my God..but i think im going to need something much more stronger...my imagination has gone overboard...way overboard...please say a prayer for me if you can and remember too...and if im still alive by tommorow evening... i thank you with all of my heart...

now its time to pack my bags before these meds wear off completely!